scraped hands.

i know i should feel bad, but honestly all i feel is...bliss.
and numb.
but calm.
if that's even possible.

what's done is done.
and as much as i hate the self-conflicting situation presented, i don't wish for it to be undone.
my gut's practically shrieking trying to get me to stop, but i can't, not now.
i need this.
but i'm also afraid that this thing--one of the things out of my 'most need' life batch--that i need most would end up being one of my downfalls for breaking that one crucial principle i swore to keep no matter what the situation, creating a fucking domino effect that will make me have to start over from square one.again.
and, again, i cannot go back to that fucking square.

also, i live in a box.
i hate living in a box.
because the thing with boxes and myself is that i get satisfied too easily, and when i finally find out of the better things i could have gotten outside said box, i'd get embarrassed and then turn into this shallow shallow bitch and end up 'discarding'--yes, i might even go as far as erasing all connections in my life with said party--the people i get involved with/situations i get myself into.and i do not want to end up discarding said party.
so besides that stupid box, there's that inevitable reaction to despise also.

ha ha god, ha ha.