what NOW?

i know this is going to sound all melancholic and that I'm going to be embarrassed when i read this in the morning, but so what.
i need to vent so shut up.

what have i done this time huh? what's wrong with not wanting to accompany you to a goddamn family gathering for the first time in my life?
doesn't my whole life of perfect obedience--in terms of going to family gatherings--count?

don't give me that face.
the face telling me 'how dare you disobey me and disrespect your family' and 'after all i've done for you,and this is how you repay me? by not agreeing to my simple request?
after i have always selflessly give in to your father's birthday and not go to my family's place for Christmas?'
don't. give me that.
don't vent on me if that's the problem, go vent to my dad.

this is just a tip of the iceberg, and already you're giving me shit?
you want to talk to me about selfless sacrifices? seriously,me?
do you have ANY idea on how much self-control i have had to muster to face you and your antics all these years? that nearly a big half of the things that cause me to self-destruct these days are because of you??

do you know how much i love you, and how much i wish i could love you without trying to suppress my thoughts of hurting you mentally and physically because of all those shit you threw at me? shits that are not my fault at all no matter how you view it?
do you have any idea,that if i have never held back, there's a great possibility that you'd be suffering by now, and that these thoughts alone is killing me?
i HATE these thoughts and i hate that i can't help it from popping up in my mind every once in a while.

you have no idea how much i've done for you to keep you safe and for me to continue to love you unconditionally.

so i ask you please woman, to stop loosing your head on me over simple trivial things that are never my fault.

please please please, don't make me hate you thoroughly, because you are the best and coolest mom i could ever ask for, and no matter what you throw at me, i will always have a permanent self-control mentality that would keep me from ever snapping at you..


...but please don't push it.
i still don't know what i'm actually capable of.