full metal alchemist :(

i still can, and i bet for a long time, i will never be able to grasp the concept of endings and why we all eventually have to move on.
they say that the painful shit in endings will help build yourself into a better person and that we shouldn't dawdle on the past.
i understand all this, i really do, but i just can't accept it now.
maybe not ever, i dunno.
call me immature, whatever, but if i can't accept it (yet) then i just can't. period.
i just can't understand why anything has to end. why? why does it have to?
but without no ending it will be boring so i'm still not sure why i'm thinking like this.
both contradicting thoughts, which i get, i just don't have any idea why it keeps nagging in my gut so much, that i refuse to accept it, i just can't.

i was once told that i'm the type of person that hangs on to the past too much.
the positive thing is that by being this kind of person, i tend to appreciate the value and effort of things, i can help people by reminding them of the good and cool (and often stupid) things they have done when they need it at their lowest days.
i tend to treasure these things. sometimes waaay to well, its suffocating.

aand that's where we get to the negative effects : because all that data takes up too much of my memory space, i tend to unconsciously block out new knowledge etc that i'm supposed to remember. also, that this has turned me into a, um, grudging person?
see, when people do me wrong (and i lack the correct actions to spit out in defense, hence, i tend to end up just standing there like some idiot), i tend to remember (in painful detail) the exact sequence of the whole thing. and it sticks to me forever. no dramatic bullshit.
i can't stand the headaches and other unnamed sicknesses i have inflicted to myself because of this.
and i definitely can't stand the grief its causing me, especially that single one memory that i can never get out of myself 3 years ago. i can surely bet that that's whats causing the most damage going on to me for the past 3 years.

but see, while feeling all this putting down piece of crap, im always thinking that there are many many others who have it in worst then me.
then i hate myself for pitying myself, because i feel i have no right to do so.
then i just hate everything. then it all goes away and im left blank and confused and stupid and i never know what to do after.

oh look, i'm ranting again.
i wanted to write down about full metal alchemist that i finally read and it turned out like this. meh.